Stress is a part of life. But too often, we experience it as something happening to us, something beyond our control. In reality, stress isn’t just about external events. It’s about how we interpret and respond to those events.
The good news? Because stress happens inside us, we have the power to influence it.
A simple but powerful way to regain that sense of control is to focus on what I call having a cup of T-E-A: Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions. These are always within your control, and when you manage them intentionally, you lead yourself through stress with greater calm, clarity, and resilience.
As I often tell my coaching clients, leadership begins with self-leadership. And self-leadership starts with how you manage what’s happening inside you, especially when everything outside feels chaotic.
Let’s take a closer look at each one.
Manage Your Thoughts to Reduce Stress
Your thoughts shape your experience of stress. It’s not just what happens to you. It’s how you think about what happens.
When your mind spirals into worry, fear, or worst-case scenarios, stress intensifies. But when you intentionally focus your thoughts on what you can control, what’s possible, and what steps you can take, stress begins to release its grip.
I see this pattern constantly in my coaching work. A leader will come to a session overwhelmed by a situation that, on the surface, seems impossible. But when we slow down and separate the facts from the story they’re telling themselves about the facts, the stress often loosens. The situation hasn’t changed, but their relationship to it has.
Try this. Notice when your thoughts are fueling fear, frustration, or helplessness. Challenge catastrophic thinking by asking, “Is this thought helpful? Is it even true?” Then redirect your focus to what you can influence: your response, your attitude, your next step.
While you may not control your first thought, you can always choose the next one. That single principle has helped hundreds of the leaders I’ve coached reclaim their composure in high-pressure moments.
Manage Your Emotions to Protect Your Peace
Emotions are powerful messengers. They arise in response to your thoughts and experiences, offering clues about what matters to you. But when left unchecked, emotions can fuel reactivity and amplify stress.
Managing your emotions doesn’t mean suppressing them. It means observing them without judgment and responding thoughtfully. In behavioral healthcare, where I spent nearly a decade as a Director of Nursing, I learned early that emotional reactions, left unmanaged, are what cause conflict, miscommunication, and toxic work environments. That lesson applies in every boardroom, every team meeting, and every difficult conversation.
One of the core shifts I help leaders make in coaching is moving from reactive to responsive. Reactive leaders let their emotions dictate their behavior. Responsive leaders notice the emotion, name it, and choose what to do with it.
You can lead your emotions through three steps. First, notice. Pause and observe what you’re feeling without trying to fix it. Second, name it. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious,” or “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m feeling hopeful.” Naming an emotion creates distance between you and the feeling, which gives you room to think. Third, navigate. Choose how you want to respond rather than letting the emotion dictate your behavior.
By naming your emotions, you create the space to respond instead of react. This practice builds emotional resilience and helps you stay grounded in challenging situations. It’s also one of the reasons empathy is a core pillar of the CARE Leadership Model™. When you can manage your own emotional world, you’re far better equipped to understand and respond to what’s happening in someone else’s.
Manage Your Actions to Strengthen Your Response
Your actions are where change becomes visible. Even when life feels chaotic, you still get to choose how you respond.
Your behavior can either increase your stress by reacting impulsively or decrease it by acting intentionally. I’ve watched leaders transform their teams simply by changing how they respond in high-pressure moments. When the leader stays composed, the team stays composed. When the leader panics, the team follows.
Consider this three-step process. First, pause. Resist the urge to react immediately. Give yourself even 10 seconds before responding to a stressful email, a tense comment in a meeting, or an unexpected problem. Second, assess. Ask yourself, “What action will move me closer to who I want to be as a leader?” Third, act. Choose the response that supports your well-being, your values, and your goals.
Each time you respond with intention instead of impulse, you build self-trust and confidence. This is the foundation of self-leadership, and as I wrote in Leading at the Speed of People, self-leadership is where personal and professional leadership begins. You cannot lead others well if you haven’t first learned to lead yourself.
Take a Moment to Reflect
Where in your life are you focusing on things you can’t control, and how is that affecting your stress level?
What small shift in your Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions could help you reclaim your peace and strengthen your response?
You have more power than you realize. Small, consistent choices create powerful results over time. Rather than being overwhelmed by what’s happening outside of you, you strengthen your ability to lead yourself from the inside out.
Want Help Managing Stress and Leading With Calm?
If stress has been running the show and you’re ready to lead with more composure and less reactivity, coaching can help you build the self-awareness and emotional intelligence to respond differently. Book a complimentary 30-minute Leadership Clarity Call and let’s talk about what’s weighing on you.
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Dr. Julie Donley, EdD, PCC, is a leadership coach, keynote speaker, and award-winning author of Leading at the Speed of People. She helps mid-to-senior level leaders navigate conflict, reduce stress, and lead with clarity, confidence, and calm through the CARE Leadership Model™. Learn more at drjuliedonley.com.